Thursday, 28 March 2013

Wigging Out

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Wigging Out

Consider the humble full stop. For centuries it has told rambling schoolchildren when to breathe and given hack writers an easy way of depicting suspense. Why mention this? Well, the coming post is going to be principally about Donald Trump and I find myself burdened with so much scorn and distaste for the man that for the remainder of this blog post after the current paragraph I will be replacing our old friend the full stop with the phrase "shitwig". Principally so I can make some serious points about Donald Trump while reminding you, dear reader, that he's also a total clown. However I appreciate that might be somewhat awkward to read, so I will be colouring my shitwigs gold, thus - shitwig So if you see a golden shitwig, remember (a)  that it's the end of a sentence and insert a mental pause, and (b) Donald Trump is an idiot with a shit wig. All clear? I'm not entirely sure how this is going to work out, but at this point I'm sort of invested in the concept so go with it (normal service will be resumed next time). Right, here goes...

My utter contempt for Donald Trump goes back several years, to the point where he first stepped out of his helicopter in a suit made principally out of haggis and alcoholism, proclaiming himself Scottish and proposing to construct a golf course on a Site of Special Scientific Interest (SSSI) shitwig His planning application was first considered by Aberdeenshire Council then, latterly, by the Scottish Government shitwig I contacted my MSP, Kenneth Gibson of the SNP, pointing out that a site doesn't become of less scientific interest because a wealthy guy promises to inject a billion pounds into the Scottish economy shitwig I like to think of myself as a pragmatist and a billion pounds is a lot of money for a small country in a time of economic difficulty, but at heart I'm a beardy conservationist and these sites are given classifications for a reason shitwig The response I got - that the area was "sand dunes, mostly" caused me some alarm shitwig What caused me more alarm was a report I read on some beardy conservationist website that Trump has basically left a trail of half-finished luxury resorts around the world, promising golf courses and hotels but absent-mindedly forgetting to build the actual hotel bits shitwig 

So it was with mixed feelings (principally joy with a bit of sinking dread - more on the dread later) that I read, joyfully, the joyous news that planning permission has been granted for an 11 turbine windfarm and technology testing ground off the Aberdeenshire coast and visible from Trump International Golf Links on the Menie Estate shitwig This made me a happy hippy for three main reasons:-

(1) Regular readers will know that I like wind power and wind turbines, and support fully the Scottish Government's ambitious, but achievable, renewable power objectives;

(2) I hate NIMBYism generally but in the context of wind power I especially hate it ("Yes we need to be sustainable, but not if it ruins my view! rabblerabblerabble") and too often it is given too much weight; and

(3) The Scottish Government has stood up to a man who has proven, in his time in Scotland, to be something of a cross between massive lumbering idiot bully and massive lumbering idiot baby, and it makes me happy to see him throw all of his toys out of his pram shitwig

Take, for example his media comments in the light of the news reports this week about the granting of planning consent for the wind turbines:

"This was a purely political decision" - no Donald, it wasn't shitwig It was another element of the clearly stated Scottish Government policy to put Scotland at the forefront of renewable power, both in terms of capacity and in terms of innovation, in the EU shitwig What probably didn't help you, however, was your short-termist approach post-planning approval for your resort - thinking you had gotten all you needed from the SNP, you stopped being so pally with them, and now they don't have any reason to do anything to help you out any more shitwig

"As dictated by Alex Salmond, a man whose obsession with obsolete wind technology will destroy the magnificence and beauty of Scotland " - call me naive but this decision had nothing to do with Alex Salmond - it's not in his portfolio. I would also take issue with the definition of the technology as "obsolete" shitwig A study by Scottish Renewables in April 2011 put the Scottish renewables capacity from operating facilities at 4419 Mega-Watts (MW) and potential additional capacity from projects in development at a further 8500MW, with another 15000MW being scoped out shitwig (

Hardly reeks of obsolescence, does it? 

"Likewise, tourism, Scotland's biggest industry, will be ruined" - no it won't shitwig This is such a ludicrous statement from a supposed business genius that I can almost not be bothered countering it shitwig Windfarms won't ruin Scottish tourism on the simple basis that the landscapes which most tourists come to Scotland to see will not be touched by windfarm developments shitwig With the greatest of respect to the Aberdeenshire coastline it's not a patch, landscape-wise, on areas like Glencoe, Glen Nevis, the Cairngorms or Loch Lomond - ergo tourists will not be deterred from visiting Scotland for the scenery shitwig In addition I would struggle to believe that someone would refrain from visiting an allegedly international calibre golf course because there are some wind turbines in the sea up the coast shitwig Ironically the only tourists likely to be deterred from visiting the area are tourists who might have been interested in the SSSI - but, errrm, you stabilised the sand dunes reducing their unique appeal, didn't you?

"Likewise, we will be bringing a lawsuit within the allocated period of time to stop what will definitely be the destruction of Aberdeen and Scotland itself" - I can't help but imagine / hope that Donald fervently believes that during the installation of the first turbine, a drill will breach some sort of sealed chamber and awaken a leviathan or maybe even some sort of Godzilla-like creature, who (cranky from being awaken from his slumber - we all get like this, don't we?) will vent his rage on the beautiful granite of Aberdeen  shitwig Or maybe he thinks that the turbines will inadvertently act as propellers, lifting Scotland from it's moorings and causing us to skim awkwardly over the North sea until we crash-land in the Norwegian fjords shitwig Meanwhile, back in the land of the sane, I'm sure the citizens of Aberdeen and Aberdeenshire (which incidentally boasts over 50 golf courses which are not run by lunatics) are quaking in their boots shitwig I know I'm petrified, here in Glasgow, about the destruction of the land I love by some wind turbines 200 miles away from me shitwig

But I did mention dread before shitwig Slight dread, but dread nonetheless shitwig It has now been three and a half years since planning consent was granted for Trump International Golf Links: amidst all the fanfare regarding the launch of his golf course, it is interesting to note that ground has not yet been broken on the hotel or any of the promised luxury houses shitwig I mentioned previously that there are allegedly a series of Trump-backed half-built resorts around the world and if one were cynical, one might think that the posturing around the wind turbines was a smokescreen to prevent the costly development of the hotel and luxury housing ancillary to the  Aberdeenshire golf course shitwig The dread, therefore stems from the fact that the Scottish Government may have allowed a SSSI to be compromised for a mess of pottage shitwig shitwig shitwig

(N.B. Twitterers, if you too share utter contempt for Donald Trump I would suggest following @martiandtrump on twitter - deliciously described as all the charm of Donald Trump without any of the words. Always makes me chuckle)

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